Best State Ever?
I’m tired of my big unemployed troll of a brother picking on me. By “me”, I mean the upper peninsula of Michigan, and by “big brother”, I mean the lower peninsula of Michigan.
Recently, some of my lower Michigan “friends” started sharing an article about ways to piss off someone from Michigan.
http://matadornetwork.com/life/how-to-piss-off-someone-from-michigan/
I would have shared it because I love Michigan, but this is why I didn’t.
Throughout the entire article they omitted the U.P. until the very end when they threw us in as a small anecdote to the great state of Michigan. This is what they had to say about the U.P.
“The Upper Peninsula has its own set of unique culture and customs that make you feel like you’re going back in time.”
Wow, thanks for the compliment? I guess… You basically just referred to us as your weird drunk uncle with no kids who drives a van and eats at Big Boy. Or maybe It’s just me and I’m acting like a girl when you try to give her a compliment, but she always responds with “What is that supposed to mean?? Did I not look good the last time you saw me?!”
However, I don’t believe I’m the girl with the complex. I’m pretty sure the trolls that populate the southern portion of the great state of Michigan can be douche nozzles who think they’re somehow better than their redneck little brothers in the north.
People from lower Michigan enjoy to treat us Yoopers like their red-headed step children, only bringing us up as an afterthought. Hey lower Michigan here’s a hint, You’re no better than we are, in fact, you’re much worse.
If we’re your red-headed stepchild, then you’re our older brother who was captain of the football team in high school and is now unemployed in our mom’s basement playing Sega Genesis and talking about the glory days when you almost won States.
You have completely embarrassed the state of Michigan with your Detroit debacle. You’ve screwed up Detroit so much that you can no longer be trusted to run it. It’s like the Mayor of Detroit is a junkie mother and the state had to come in and take her kids away for willful neglect and abandonment. Seriously, what do you offer that’s better than the U.P? The Lions? Most Yoopers are Packers fans because the Lions organization is a dumpster fire. The Pistons? Are they still an NBA team? The Tigers and Red Wings? Yeah, I’ll give you those two, the Tigers and Wings are pretty fucking awesome. But, the only reason you have the great Detroit Red Wings in the first place is because of the U.P. That’s correct. Houghton, MI is the birthplace of professional Hockey. I’ll bet they didn’t teach you that at Cranbrook.
Jeff Daniels was on David Letterman last summer and the first question Letterman asked him was, what’s up with the U.P? Daniels replied,
“They do a lot of drinking up there”.
“Thanks for that plug, Jeff.” Jeff Daniels is sort of the unofficial Michigan spokesman and he just told 700,000 people that all anyone does in the U.P is drink and hunt. They should put that on the next Pure Michigan commercial. Maybe that will attract some drunk german tourists or some frat guys. I actually thought it was funny since it’s kind of true, but a lot of Yoopers took offense to that since we don’t get much face time nationally as it is.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dvl1ck1BqPs)
Yoopers like to refer to those from lower Michigan as “Trolls” since they live under the Mackinac bridge. Which is, of course the bridge that connects upper and lower Michigan. On many occasions I’ve had people from lower Michigan condescendingly ask me if we really call them “Trolls”. They think it’s cute. Yeah and I remember it being real cute when General Motors was asking for a government bailout.
There’s nothing more annoying than when someone from lower Michigan doesn’t know where the U.P is. You tell them you’re from Houghton and they say “You mean Houghton lake?”. No, I mean Houghton, like in the upper peninsula. They give you a confused look and scrunch up their nose like a Michigan State sorority girl. Then you have to hold your left hand up in the shape of the U.P and point to where Houghton is. They reply with “oh, I thought that was Canada.” Well, that’s why you’re bankrupt and your unemployment rate is one of the highest in the country, Troll.
The U.P is frequently left off national maps as if we don’t even exist. I just once would like to see a National map with Florida left off it just to make me feel a little better about where I grew up.
The truth is that the U.P is great! First of all, no one knows about it. It’s easy to get away from everyone and have a peaceful thought. We have amazing lakes and rivers to swim and fish in that don’t catch on fire. Our hunting is incredible. The only setback is that we have wolves now so just make sure to watch your six. Our high school hockey is some of the best in the state despite having 3% of the population. Copper Harbor, which is right at the tip of the U.P has some of the best mountain biking trails in the country. They are one of only three U.S destinations to get the International Mountain Biking Association (IMBA) silver level rating. The Keweenaw Brewing Company (KBC) in Houghton has outstanding craft beer and gives Bell’s Brewery a run for their money. Mt Bohemia is the best skiing east of the Mississippi with the most snowfall (but don’t you worry about that lower Michigan), it’s for experts only and they don’t groom the trails so just stick to that garbage dump you have, Mt. Brighton. Our summers are gorgeous and our winters are top notch. Houghton/Hancock receives the most snow east of the Mississippi which means we have plenty of winter activities to keep us busy year round. You Trolls just have cold weather with nothing to do but complain about the Lions most recent depressing season or talk about hiring a new head coach at Michigan. Get over yourselves, you’re starting to sound like you’re from Ohio, which really is the most depressing state in the country.
My Mom races sled dogs. What are your Mom’s hobbies you Ann Arbor yuppie? Knitting mittens (get it?) Shopping at Whole Foods? Please tell me more. We use bear spray to fend off actual bears, you trolls use it to prevent getting raped in Detroit.
I grew up cliff jumping into Lake Superior, I bet you threw rocks at abandoned buildings in Flint. I had a hockey rink in my backyard, You had a corn field. We get to enjoy the amazing northern lights from our porches, Detroit can’t even afford street lights.
Even TJ and Dexter knew it was time to leave Detroit in it’s heyday.
(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106315)
Dose Ode Yoopers do taalk kinda funny hey, but that’s just because their ancestors were tough Finnish miners who worked much harder than you ever will on an assembly line.
I realize that I sound like the girl who was never asked to Prom and am making excuses for why it was going to suck anyway, but it really is offensive for someone from lower Michigan to act like we don’t exist when they are no better than us. I am being extremely cynical and I love the state of Michigan, but right now we have a lot of problems that need fixing. Maybe instead of making fun of your little brother up north you could embrace us, not because we need you, but because we need each other. I have a lot of family spread out across our great state and I love nothing more than Michigan State Basketball and Detroit Tigers baseball. A lot of us in the U.P have always viewed lower Michigan with a sense of awe. Detroit is a 10-hour drive from Houghton, which means it’s a vacation for us to head downstate. The U.P connection is strong with those of us who grew up there, but have since moved elsewhere. When we meet Yoopers far and wide, us Yoopers will go out of our way to help each other out if we learn that the other person is from the U.P. I know I’m somewhat of a hippocrite since I no longer live in the U.P myself, but that’s just because I’ve been away defending your freedom from terrorists. After you finish dodging your own bullets you can thank me later, Detroit.
Editors note: I wrote this back in January and have since seen some major progress in Yooper acceptance. “Yooper” was added to Websters dictionary and the Huffington Post did publish a great article (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/27/yoopers-upper-peninsula-new-word_n_5042423.html) about why everyone should want to be a Yooper. While these are both great strides in the fight for Yooper acceptance, the war is far from over. I will not rest until every Yooper can feel equal and accepted both above and below the mighty Mackinac bridge.
End Rant.
Living the Dream or at least trying 