Medevac Cavemen

Medevac cavemen

 I always kept my cockpit immaculate.

 

                 My fourth combat tour (two in Iraq and two Afghanistan) was yet another learning experience for me.  It showed me a whole new side of aviation, and that is flying Medevac.  I never wanted to fly Medevac since their flight times are much less than other missions and I’ve always been concerned with accruing hours so I can one day “make the big bucks “ flying in the helicopter skiing business. Which is of course a joke since no one really gets rich flying helicopters.  It’s kind of like being a ski patroller or maybe porn star, the job is what you love and the paycheck is a nice perk or at least that’s how I’ve always viewed flying. I have always had friends who flew Medevac, but honestly never really gave them the props they deserved for flying such an intense mission. I figured 90% of their mission was just sitting around playing Xbox and spitting game at hot nurses (Unfortunately the former is true and not the latter).  After spending the last 9 months performing this mission I’ve been able to draw a few conclusions about being a Medevac crew member.  I compare being a Medevac crew member to two groups, firefighters and cavemen.  The first is obvious since firefighters sit around all day until they have to jump into their boots and hop on their truck and race to a fire.  That and babes love them just like Medevac pilots (also true). The second cavemen, because I imagine when cavemen were laid back in their caves thousands of years ago and then suddenly were bum rushed by a saber toothed tiger in their sleep, they went running out of their caves like madmen having to pee and not knowing what the fuck was really going on.  That is pretty much what Medevac crews look like when we get woken up in the middle of the night from being dead asleep for a call.  I’ve seen crew members forget their body armor on missions and I once tried to start my helicopter with the gust lock halfway in, which didn’t work out too well for the gust lock or me when I had to explain to my commander what had happened.  I think every Medevac crew member has some funny story of something boneheaded they did while trying to go out and rescue someone’s life.

 

Our fearless leaders trying to get buff.

                        I also have seen way more man penis in the back of my helicopter than I care to discuss and while I know it’s wrong, it still disturbs me just as much as seeing someone’s legs blown off, which is why when my medic tells me not to look back, I don’t anymore.  Being on edge day after day also takes a toll on you.  While most of it may be sitting around golfing and playing xbox, being constantly on edge does wear on us quite considerably.  Especially the medics and crewchiefs in the back who see the most (man penis) and are sometimes haunted by the worst of what this war has to offer.  They are truly impressive men and women who act as cool under pressure as Kobe Bryant on the court after being accused of rape.  I was actually able to see the medics work their magic first hand when we saw a slice of action on base this tour,  I looked like a “fish out of water” flopping around with no real purpose as our medic barked orders at the rest of us while he worked on a few of our guys.  

         To put our flight combat medics job into perspective it would be as If doctors and nurses slept at deer camp and when someone got hurt they were jostled out of their rack, sprinted to a helicopter with some maniac pilots, who flew balls out to a car wreck on the side on of an unlit road, slammed the helicopter on the ground and pointed them in the direction of the patient.  But before they take their headsets off we tell them to be careful since there may be enemy in the area that want to kill them.  So basically all I had to say was they are some of the biggest badasses out there.

Meow.

This mission has taught me to slow down my emotions and control myself when my mind is moving faster than Tiger Woods trying to come up with another excuse for where he was last night.  Our Crewchiefs are of course the oil that keeps our whole mission running smoothly.  Between missions while I’m out back working on my pitiful golf game, they are out on the flight line fixing aircraft I broke and getting them ready for the next mission.  They are the unsung heros’ of aviation and I salute them.  As a side note I do look forward to telling my maintenance officer of any problems I have with the aircraft and seeing him get pissed off, this amuses me to no end and before bed I would sometimes brainstorm of elaborate maintenance problems I could tell him about after my next mission.  He of course enjoys telling me (As an instructor pilot) what is wrong with all of our co-pilots and of how it’s my fault because I’m an awful instructor.

It’s poop again!

The last piece to the Medevac machine is our operations personnel, they man our radios and alert us of missions while managing all the phones, computers, and radios during said missions.  They are always extremely patient as every commander in the army calls like a needy girlfriend for reassurance that we are handling everything correctly.  They always enjoy watching us stumble out of our racks like drunk sailors and I make sure to give them hell when I get back for having the gall to disrupt my beauty sleep.

                  Of course the number one fear for all Medevac crew members is not getting shot down en-route to a call and being tortured by the Taliban, No that fear is getting caught with our pants down pooping or buck naked taking a shower.  For this reason many forego showers while on duty, but unfortunately the former is unavoidable.  This stress alone has given me many sleepless nights and hurried poops.  

 

Did I say this job is really boring?

Another aspect of being a Medevac crew member is the extensive downtime we must deal with.  Many of us are on duty for sometimes weeks at a time.  Fortunately this war is coming to a close and the amount of calls we receive are plummeting.  The problem with this is that now there are multiple motivated grown adults with no outlet for their energy.  Yes, we do have a small gym out back and many take online college courses to help pass the time, but eventually idle hands will bust loose and shenanigans ensue.  We for quite some time had a pet camel spider named “The Rancor” which we would pit against other spiders and insects in a gladiator style death match.  He went undefeated for his entire career until the cold took him at the start of the winter.  Yes it was sad, but not as sad as the untimely death of our first camel spider, who died doing what he loved… eating Slim Jims. Who would have thought that Slim Jims were bad for camel spider’s delicate palates.  We also had a mouse infestation for awhile and we nicknamed the ringleader Mr. Jangles.  He was cute for a while, we would catch glimpses of him perched on someones shelf watching Breaking Bad, but the last straw came when he started to eat our Ramen noodles and peanut butter sandwich bread.  We declared jihad on him and his clan and so far we’re up 5-0 , but we still believe the original mastermind Mr. Jangles is still somewhere at large, watching and waiting.

I know there are many more military badasses out there, but I wanted to bring light to the amazing men and women I spent last year with.  I hope this short read has given you all a window into what life is like for a deployed Medevac crew member and please pass this on to any friends or family you feel might enjoy it.