This issue of farting is a tough one for me, because on one hand I think it’s hilarious to fart on my girlfriend and see her get pissed off, and on the other hand when one of my buddies rips one of those disgusting, smells like there’s a dead gerbil in his ass farts, it pisses me off. One of the reasons that I, more often than not, fall on the women’s side of the fart hating debate is that I’ve never been a great farter. My body just doesn’t produce a high level of gas so it’s never been a good weapon in my arsenal. My brother Tony on the other hand is up there with some of the world’s greatest. In fact he used to fart so often that we had a rule in the car growing up. If anyone in the car smelled his fart before the window was in the process of going down, he had to pay my dad a dollar. Why a dollar you ask? Well, My father did his best to not smack us as often as he was smacked and tried many different tactics to keep us in check. One of the more famous ones was the three strike rule. He was a baseball nut and determined that if we got three strikes in one day then we were out which meant grounded, go to your room. I quickly learned to game this system and would pick and choose just the right times to be a little dick head and start something with my siblings, my favorite time was during church when I knew his anger would be repressed by god. But, the one tactic that brought us to our knees was penalizing us with money, and so that became the policy.
We are pretty sure my brother Tony (on the right) had just ripped one in this photo (You can see my frustration on the left and my sister just looks confused about life).
But back to farting. I do love the comedic aspect of the fart, nothing can quite disrupt a room like a well timed fart, and women of course do their best to prevent their names from ever being associated with such childish comedic endeavors. They somehow think they’re above farting and that the rest of us are just immature boys who need to grow up. This snobbishness is what makes exposing a women who just farted one of my favorite things in life. A few years ago my roommate and I decided to do a thanksgiving dinner at our apartment in Syracuse. It was just a few couples and with the exception of one married couple most of us were in the early stages of our relationships. The night was a big success, everyone cooked something, the food turned out great, and all was good in the world, but there was a storm a brewing. My roommate Julians girlfriend we’ll call her “Blondetasha” is what we all would call a catch. She’s a gorgeous tall blonde dentist. If she’s walking by you in the street I can guarantee you will be holding in your fart. That’s what makes her fall from the female farting pedestal so great. Well, as the night started to wind down and people started going home the only people left were Julian, myself and our two girlfriends. Blondetasha was laying back on a recliner with her man and I was standing up trying to make everyone laugh by doing some routine describing how much I had ate by pushing my belly out like I was pregnant.
Apparently, Blondetasha though this act was one of the funniest things she had every heard in her life. She started into one of those deep belly laughs that can be sometimes be uncontrollable… and lose control she did. She let out one of the deepest, loudest farts ever heard east of the Mississippi. She must have been holding that thing in for a week and half, because the back pressure could have shut down a diesel engine. Julian was not amused and I was on the floor laughing hysterically. I’m still not sure if it smelled or not since I was laughing so hard. So at least she can still cling to the saying that her farts smell like roses. They are still together to this day which is a testament to their love because that fart could have ended a 50 year marriage.
One of the most liberating things in life can be farting in large groups of people, especially a concert or a packed bar. Due to the noise and crowd of people it’s impossible to get caught and even if you did it’s hard for most people to get mad because they would do the same thing. In effect it is the perfect crime. Once during a cross country flight I was on the phone with flight service when my buddy Nels ripped a choice one. I almost threw up it was so bad and after cursing him out I realized I was still on the phone with the fight service agent and had to apologize. I did not find this fart funny. The one time when I do find a fart in my presence acceptable is when a fat guy does it. For some reason it just seems right, kind of like when you see beavers making dams. This is exactly what I think they’re doing when I’m not around. I realize that I am a farting hypocrite, but frankly I really don’t care. It is my right as an American to decide when a fart is funny or not and most of the time, when I smell poop, I don’t find it funny. So to the rest of you, keep your fart jokes to yourself and if you must pass gas in my presence leave the room… Unless you’re a fat guy.
Living the Dream or at least trying 