Recently it has come to my attention that my mustache is disturbing some, most notably the women in my life. My girlfriend, mother, sister, and 5 year old niece are unanimous in their decision that it’s horrendous and makes me look like a child molester (Damn you skype). Fortunately for me, I am in Afghanistan roughly 3000 miles away from all of them, so I really don’t care. In fact I find it quite hilarious just how much the mustache is hated. In the army they pretty much do everything they can to prevent soldiers from growing mustaches. There’s actually a regulation that covers the exact specifications my mustache can be.
(c) Males will keep their face clean-shaven when in uniform or in civilian clothes on duty. Mustaches are permitted; if worn, males will keep mustaches neatly trimmed, tapered, and tidy. Mustaches will not present a chopped off or bushy appearance, and no portion of the mustache will cover the upper lip line or extend sideways beyond a verticalline drawn upward from the corners of the mouth (see figure 1–1). Handlebar mustaches, goatees, and beards are not authorized.
It’s a neutered version of the stache and it basically makes you look like Hitler. As an officer it’s become “frowned upon” to grow a mustache and my commander regularly informs me of his disgust with mine. Of course all this mustache hatred only makes my resolve stronger and my mustache more amazing. I wonder if Burt Reynolds ever received this much grief about his stache. I doubt it, it was glorious.
Can you also imagine one of Teddy Roosevelt’s senior Non-Commissioned Officers (NCOs) asking him prior to charging up that hill in Cuba “Excuse me Sir, before we go into battle I’d like if you would please trim your stache, you see it’s a discipline thing Sir”. He probably would have nut punched him and then charged up that hill laughing with the rest of the Rough Riders at what a pussy that guy was. 
In today’s military there’s a sect that somehow believes the length of facial hair translates into lack of discipline in the cockpit, tank, or whatever vessel you may be commandeering (Ironically our best soldiers, the spec ops community, are encouraged to grow beards). It’s as if having an awesome mustache would somehow empower me to go out and do barrel rolls in my helicopter. I actually got into a heated argument with a senior NCO recently about the length of my stache (Apparently he thought I looked like Rollie Fingers heading out to the mound to close a game), he felt it was way out of regulations and that I had a lack of discipline that would carry over into our junior enlisted soldiers.
This person was so upset about my stache that he was actually angrily yelling at me before I pulled him aside and asked him to chill out. As a side note, I love trying to explain these types of situations to my non-military friends, “You see he was yelling because he was mad at me for my mustache”. Unless you’re in the military or play for the Yankees you probably will never understand this mentality. But I digress, back to the judgmental women in my life. Can you imagine if the next time any one of them got a haircut and I told them it looked disgusting and compared their haircut to a female prison inmate (no offense to female prison inmates). I would be dubbed the biggest Jerk in the world and promptly stoned in the street. Yet it is perfectly acceptable for women to discriminate us for our staches. I’m not sure when this blatant contempt for staches started, but somehow I think it may be Ron Jeremy’s fault, it was him or maybe Saddam.
Either way it’s wrong and it needs to be stopped. Hipsters recently have started somewhat of a mustache resurgence, but I think most people secretly hate hipsters too so they may be doing more harm than good. Truthfully I really don’t enjoy this mustache, I just find it hilarious that people hate it and feel it’s my duty to bring light to the plight of the great American Stache. I think we need a national mustache spokesman, someone with dark hair and the popularity to bring the mustache back into the limelight. A man women want and men want to be. His intense manliness would paralyze women and give them no choice but to embrace the stache. Personally I think that man should be Mark Paul Gosselaar,
but until he steps up to claim the throne I’ll keep it warm for him.
Living the Dream or at least trying 