Recently it has come to my attention that my mustache is disturbing some, most notably the women in my life. My girlfriend, mother, sister, and 5 year old niece are unanimous in their decision that it’s horrendous and makes me look like a child molester (Damn you skype). Fortunately for me, I am in Afghanistan roughly 3000 miles away from all of them, so I really don’t care. In fact I find it quite hilarious just how much the mustache is hated. In the army they pretty much do everything they can to prevent soldiers from growing mustaches. There’s actually a regulation that covers the exact specifications my mustache can be.
(c) Males will keep their face clean-shaven when in uniform or in civilian clothes on duty. Mustaches are permitted; if worn, males will keep mustaches neatly trimmed, tapered, and tidy. Mustaches will not present a chopped off or bushy appearance, and no portion of the mustache will cover the upper lip line or extend sideways beyond a verticalline drawn upward from the corners of the mouth (see figure 1–1). Handlebar mustaches, goatees, and beards are not authorized.
It’s a neutered version of the stache and it basically makes you look like Hitler. As an officer it’s become “frowned upon” to grow a mustache and my commander regularly informs me of his disgust with mine. Of course all this mustache hatred only makes my resolve stronger and my mustache more amazing. I wonder if Burt Reynolds ever received this much grief about his stache. I doubt it, it was glorious.
Can you also imagine one of Teddy Roosevelt’s senior Non-Commissioned Officers (NCOs) asking him prior to charging up that hill in Cuba “Excuse me Sir, before we go into battle I’d like if you would please trim your stache, you see it’s a discipline thing Sir”. He probably would have nut punched him and then charged up that hill laughing with the rest of the Rough Riders at what a pussy that guy was. 
In today’s military there’s a sect that somehow believes the length of facial hair translates into lack of discipline in the cockpit, tank, or whatever vessel you may be commandeering (Ironically our best soldiers, the spec ops community, are encouraged to grow beards). It’s as if having an awesome mustache would somehow empower me to go out and do barrel rolls in my helicopter. I actually got into a heated argument with a senior NCO recently about the length of my stache (Apparently he thought I looked like Rollie Fingers heading out to the mound to close a game), he felt it was way out of regulations and that I had a lack of discipline that would carry over into our junior enlisted soldiers.
This person was so upset about my stache that he was actually angrily yelling at me before I pulled him aside and asked him to chill out. As a side note, I love trying to explain these types of situations to my non-military friends, “You see he was yelling because he was mad at me for my mustache”. Unless you’re in the military or play for the Yankees you probably will never understand this mentality. But I digress, back to the judgmental women in my life. Can you imagine if the next time any one of them got a haircut and I told them it looked disgusting and compared their haircut to a female prison inmate (no offense to female prison inmates). I would be dubbed the biggest Jerk in the world and promptly stoned in the street. Yet it is perfectly acceptable for women to discriminate us for our staches. I’m not sure when this blatant contempt for staches started, but somehow I think it may be Ron Jeremy’s fault, it was him or maybe Saddam.
Either way it’s wrong and it needs to be stopped. Hipsters recently have started somewhat of a mustache resurgence, but I think most people secretly hate hipsters too so they may be doing more harm than good. Truthfully I really don’t enjoy this mustache, I just find it hilarious that people hate it and feel it’s my duty to bring light to the plight of the great American Stache. I think we need a national mustache spokesman, someone with dark hair and the popularity to bring the mustache back into the limelight. A man women want and men want to be. His intense manliness would paralyze women and give them no choice but to embrace the stache. Personally I think that man should be Mark Paul Gosselaar,
but until he steps up to claim the throne I’ll keep it warm for him.
Living the Dream or at least trying 
Nice work buddy. I want to grow a mustache all of a sudden, or I should say, shave my beard and leave the best part behind…
You’re giving the stache far too much thought. Just take it off….it’s scaring my children. And you look so much more handsome without it!
Personally, I love, fear, respect, and salute your mustache, Sir! However, I would be a liar if I didn’t add that I would insist in the strongest possible terms that you don’t get closer than 1,000 feet of my children, and/or the schools they attend. Thank you for your service.
Johnny, excellent. I see you have grown up well, grasshopper. Keep on keeping on. Going native down range should be mandatory. Stay safe and stay meat baked potato you make me proud. Sincerely, Papa V.
Papa V, Thanks buddy. I miss the times we had as the meat baked potatoes.
Right on my son. Don’t let those women bully you.
P.S.: Helen says that she really likes your stache.
When you return and start to scare away young children, including your newborn nephew, don’t say we didn’t tell you so. To echo Judgmental Sister, there’s a reason why it’s hard to keep the baby birds away when you don’t have the mustache (hmm maybe this will actually scare away the immature flock of ditzy flirts). But you are quite the hottie without it!!
Yes! I have long found mustaches on men quite handsome and cannot fathom where the anitpathy comes from. I congratulate you sir, on your dashing appearance and well-articulated argument both.
I think you look handsome with and without the mustache. Can’t imagine what anyone has against the mustache. Your father had one, your great grandfather had one… Wheres all the hating coming from!!!
Thanks for the shout out Charli, It was was first blog attempt of many I hope.
Your mustache is fabulous! I appreciate where your female family members are coming from, but in 30-50 years they’ll have their own mustaches, and they can decide the whole matter over again, but this time for themselves.
“but I think most people secretly hate hipsters”
Secretly?
But, seriously, more power to the ‘stache! I’ve have a beard and mustache since I was 19 years old (more than three decades ago). You can have my facial hair when you rip it from my cold, dead face.
It would help if we adopted a different spelling and probably even a different word. “Moustache” sounds so French. We should call it a “stang” or something.
I am in an opposite situation, I grew my mustache while in Kuwait/Iraq and upon return kept it. I met my wife and now she won’t let me shave it. I do agree with you on your comment on women and hair, she takes no direction from me on her hair, and complains if I do not notice subtle changes in color or length. It is a suckers game to talk about hair with women, do what you want.
BCN
I grew a mustache in the early days of my military career, (1) because I had wanted to but more proximately (2) to cover a scar that came out of a nostril, caused by a pick-up football injury. Surely I thought the mustache would look better than the scar, but I found that I always had to explain it. Years later, I shaved it off once to discover that the scar had finally subsided, but grew the mustache again because by then I felt strange without it.
I had a senior NCO like yours, only his fixation was on the way that I bloused my boots, a habit I had picked up when I was assigned to the British, as opposed to the elastic blousing straps that we used then. It was a rather minor variation but it bothered him no end. Hardly anyone else barely noticed, and no one else certainly brought it up. It’s amazing what trivia some people find important.
Fortunately for the topic of the facial hair, I ended up my career with a succession of assignments to foreign units, where the mustache became neutral or celebrated, such as with one Russian officer who had served in an old cavalry regiment that had a tradition of all their members wearing prominent mustaches — he was quite impressed. Fortunately, I was not constrained by the pejorative regulations that the Americans maintained.
Well said Darkwater. The mustache hate is definitely more American and I have no idea where this hate has come from.
I never met anyone more into trivia than senior NCOs.
Keep the stashe, it clearly drives them and the girls wild.
Might I observe that beards,staches and all manner of whiskers had no effect on the troops at ALL levels in the War between the States. In fact our,both sides) military minds nearly universally wore facial hair. Lee, Longstreet, Grant and Sherman would seem to be good company for ANY military man.
Don’t forget Burnsides, from whom we get sideburns
The ‘stache I would have been permitted in the Corps looked ridiculous. Very few guys could pull it off and most all of them were black. The vast majority of us white guys looked pretty silly.
This kind of pointless rebelliousness (in officer country, no less) must be an Army thing.
Nah, it’s an American thing.
Well written. I grow a stache once a year for a charity called Mustaches for Kids Omaha (people laugh at the name until I tell them we’ve raised over $500,000 in five years at which point they shut their clean shaven traps). I know the mustache lifestyle and it isn’t an easy one. In addition to all the great points you make, there is all of the extra denim, the motorcycles, and the constant attention from the ladies. And therein lies the genesis of your wife’s angst. With a stache she is constantly worried about all the women that throw themselves at you (or at least will upon your return).
Just tell her she is welcome. By the way, what is your mustache’s name? You have to name it (it will make her more insane when you start to refer to it in the third person).
Keep kicking ass Goose and if you’re bored kick around this website for some mustache related nonsense. http://www.m4komaha.com
Kris,
You gave me a good laugh there. I do need to remind the woman of how lucky she it and I will definitely give this charity some love.
Spread some “Movember” literature around the post. It’s for a worthy cause. Hate the ‘stache, hate the prostate!
http://us.movember.com/about
John, I have done Movember a few times and plan on doing a follow up post in a week promoting the site. Thanks for the read.
Has anyone noticed the correlation between an increase in men’s facial hair adornments and women’s elevated pursuit of pubic hair removal/sculpturing?
Is one “robbing Peter to pay Paul”?
I’ve never gotten grief over my mustache, but then I’ve had it for years. My wife has gotten so used to it that if I showed up without one I’d get tased.
You could trim it down to Erroll Flynn style and still be within regs.
The swashbucking persona that needs to go with it might be out of bounds, though, even for a pilot.
I would nominate Tom Selleck as our spokes person, and he has a heck of a stache.
can you imagine the guy from Magnum PI without he stache or even the British sidekick – Nahhhh
I have a very prominent handle bar ‘stache, and it has never affected any kids that I know during the 40 years I have had it, so don’t believe that hoary accusation, John. When I worked in the Pentagon as a civilian, an Army three-star general once complimented me for my looks, and said that he had one just like it when he served as a young lieutenant in Vietnam. Apparently, facial hair was not uncommon among the soldiers in that war. So, the modern regs discriminating against moustaches are clearly of post VW origin — and rather silly at that. In the Middle East, facial hair is an expression of manhood, and it would seem that moustaches and beards should be encouraged among American servicemen (maybe not the females) assigned there. But I guess we have to be thankful for all this political correctness, even if it makes the troops less respected.
YES! I grew my stache with the 1st Cav in 72 in Vietnam. I look back at the photos I have of that time and so many grunts had them! I still have it to this day. When I was in ” shake & bake” school at Benning there was a SFC on the mortar training team that had an enormous stache he was given special permission to wear, waxed and wide!! My memory fails me, he was really good at his job and he had a CIB from WW II, Korea, and Vietnam. I think he was a celebrated old trigger puller….
I grew mine for the same reason as our esteemed host (although he won’t officially admit it): to piss off some people above me who needed pissed off.
1965, started to grow one, was told to shave it off by 1st shirt. “Why? It’s within regulations.” ” Because your face doesn’t match your id card. ”
So I waited until I made E5, at which point I needed a new ID card. Took a few weeks to get around to it, and when I showed up for the picture, nice new shiny ‘stache.
Boy, did that piss him off, but there was nothing he could do about it. Separated on return to the real world, grew a goatee about 4 months later. After two years of tending the damned thing my lovely wife suggested that I just quit shaving entirely. Have had a full beard for the last 44 years. Keep it trimmed with scissors, but haven’t had a blade to my face (lot’s of other places… no, just surgeries :-)) since.
I had a mustache my whole Air Force career. “Oh, you need to shave that off for your official photo” they all said. So I didn’t. That seemed brave to everyone else, but just normal to me. My ‘stache was within regulations, so I decided I was good to go. In the end, official photos went away, so we’ll never know if the mustache would have hurt my promotion chances. I did fine.
It’s my understanding (from knowledge imparted by a retired Marine) that middle-eastern men don’t trust someone unwilling (or unable) to grow a mustache. Looks to me as though you’re being culturally sensitive and winning hearts and minds.
Carry on!
I recall PCSing into Mather AFB and meeting the First Sergeant during in processing. He had me read aloud the paragraph in Air Force regulation 35-10 on mustaches. No welcome to the base or if you have a problem come see me. Never had a problem with him though as I worked the flightline at night after his hours.
I usually shaved mine for Professional Military Education courses, just to eliminate any hassle during their overboard “35-10 plus” inspections.
Hi! I can’t tell if you are a Wobbly or an RLO from your picture, but during the 60s and early 70s nearly all pilots had mustaches. Shortly after returning from my second tour in Viet Nam we were in the field at Ft Lewis playing Army. The clouds were touching the tree tops and there was a constant drizzle. Naturally our Snakes were grounded and after a nearly a week I was bored. So I decided to grow a mustache, so as to have something to do. Now I am 66 and still have it. No grief from anybody in my troop, but since then some people have let me know that they dislike it. Later the California National Guard gave me a little bit of grief, bitching about keeping it to Army Regs or being grounded. Screw them all. There are too many people telling you what to do and when ever possible you need to push back. This may be a small way to do it , but it really ticks some people off.
If you ain’t Cav………….
As long as you’re going into battle you might as well start with “A woman with hair like that shouldn’t be criticizing a mustache.” Make ’em mad? Sure. Also make them obsess over whether their hair makes them attractive at all. That is, after all, what they are trying to do to you.
Was watching The Good Guys on Netflix last night and Detective Dan Stark having a mustache made the bad guy instantly identify him as a cop. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Good_Guys_%282010_TV_series%29
Green to Blue. In the Navy, you don’t have to salute officers without mustaches.
I shaved my mustache off a few years ago, just to see what was underneath. Now, THAT was frightening! Grew it back most ricky tick!
The military hasn’t figured out that reverse psychology works against them. I was never a smoker until my commanders went all ‘fitness nuts’ on me. Nasty cigars (blatantly smoked while driving my own HUMVEE as a Company commander) were one result. Drinking out of a brown paper bag during staff meetings was another, even if it was only soda. Much grinding of teeth from my seniors.
Keep up the good work; fly safe. Go, Dustoff!
An excellent post, Sir! I salute you! I wear a mouth-beard, myself. The jihad against male facial hair is simply part of the feminist jihad against masculinity in all of its forms. The next thing you’ll hear is that the hair on your legs is frightening your niece, or the hair on your arms. If you give in on the mustache, prepare for full-body wax jobs. After that, they’ll point out that you smell too macho, recommend a nice perfume for you, and give you a cute little “murse” to carry all your new beauty products.
I’d suggest that if it comes down to a choice between ditching the critics or ditching the facial hair…ditch the critics – you’ll be better off without them. Just ask them: “What is it about “my body my choice” that you don’t seem to understand?”
I think it suits you.
I’d suggest adding some chin hair, unless you’re intentionally going for that whole Village People look. (If, however, you’re stuck in the 80s and still wear baggy acid-washed jeans too, then never mind. You’re hopelessly fashion-challenged and just plain clueless).
I grew mine right after jump school in December of 1974. After retiring from the service I added a goatee in 1995. I taught martial arts to all ages– potty training was the minimum requirement — and the only negative comment I ever got was for keeping my head shaved. If you can keep your pits and pubes clean than a ‘stache is no big deal.
All the women plus my daughter hate my mustache, which is a recent innovation.
Oddly, I’ve never been more popular with women.
Lesson #471 in the series of: What women say they want is not what they want.
And your CO sounds like he’s PW’d.
My father had a ‘stache for nearly all of my life and at least half of his. Love them.
IMHO you’re pretty hot with that ‘stache. Your wife will get over it, trust me.
Best of luck to you. Thanks for what you’re doing. Come home safe.
Have had a muzzie since age 17 (when I could finally grow a full one, and except for a dark period (during boot camp) I’ve had one ever since (over 40 years). I once had to shave it off after a Trimming Mishap and my then-wife refused to kiss me until it grew back. Current wife says that kissing a man without a muzzie is like kissing a woman, so needless to say, I have to keep it.
No less an authority than Xaviera Hollander (who should know about these things) once said that ‘Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt and pepper.”
And let us not even explore the effects of a muzzie on, shall we say, the more exotic areas where one may kiss a woman.
I first grew a beard when I was around 20 (back in 1981), and have had some form of facial hair ever since. I never had a problem attracting women, either for long or short-term relationships, and none ever complained about the hair – most of them liked it. My wife says that if she were a guy, she’d be playing with facial hair patterns all the time, just to see how they looked. I mostly grew mine out because I had fairly heavy jet-black facial hair when I was younger, and had to shave myself raw to prevent that “Richard Nixon” look.
By the way, good luck, and thanks for serving your country. As Amy said, “come back safe.”
Love your ‘stache, stick to your guns! No mustache hating in my family, and that goes way back to the one Dad grew for the Civil War Centennial in the 60’s.
Beards have been problems for armies since ancient times: Alexander the great ordered his men to cut off their beards so the enemy couldn’t grab them in close combat. That was known to be a policy among some medieval armies as well. Not sure how often the modern army engages in hand-to-hand combat now, but you never know. It’s much harder to grab a moustache, though.
But in the ’70’s and ’80’s there was an inverse correlation between beards, long hair and good discipline in the Army and the Navy. You’re probably not old enough to remember that. I was in the Navy at that time and I still believe a good, full beard makes a sailor in the traditional dress blue enlisted uniform look like a real sailor. However, the Navy had an additional problem with bearded sailors on ships: they could not get a tight seal on the masks of their firefighting equipment. Or gas masks. Fighting fire in ships requires getting into confined spaces filled with toxic smoke to put it out. During the time the Navy permitted beards a few sailors died of smoke inhalation despite their masks and breathing gear. For that reason alone the beards on sailors had to go.
I was in the Navy when the edict came down banning the beards but never heard of any actual deaths because of the beards. Are you sure there were any? I always thought it was because the chiefs just didn’t like them…
And despite my profile picture I am currently sporting a moustache and a goatee…
http://www.nationalmuseum.af.mil/factsheets/factsheet.asp?id=1125
Cheers
I haven’t had any problems with my mustache. Of course, it turned white years ago, and combined with the “character lines” on my face and “relaxed muscle” six-pack, it’s become part of a package that says something other than “child molester”. Keep yours, no matter what others say, and you won’t have to explain to your grandchildren what happened to your mustache when they look at your old pictures.
To those who say the mustache is outdated, I say nay. I will agree that some men look better with one than others ( my Dad being in the former category ), including yourself, sir. To those that hate, don’t hate the stache just because you can’t pull it off yourself!
Thanks Jeff. I appreciate the support.